Finding joy in fear

If you were to tell me in 2010 about how our country is now, I wouldn’t believe you.

And it’s not because of corrupt shameless leaders. That already felt like a given. There would always be leaders who take advantage of us normal citizens.

What breaks my heart and fills it with fear is the seemingly collective agreement from a majority of my countrymen that

– speaking out and being critical is not love of country. It’s being a traitor.

– facts are not truth, only perception. Discrediting all the hard work of legitimate historians to document our history.

– human rights violations (abuse of power) is okay because they are “enemies” of the state. Naiiyak ako dito, especially for the sacrifices of activists who fought for us and the innocent victims of past atrocities.

At this moment, I do not understand. We are tired of the elites and yet we vote for the exact same kind of elites (with different surnames this time) in the highest positions of the land. We are being taken advantage of over and over again ~ and yet the majority cheer in jest for them. Mocking others who do not believe.

As if it has been the “in” thing to be cruel.

My heart is filled with fear and my body feels it. And there is nothing I can do about it at this exact moment. Except maybe, write this to connect my thoughts with my emotions.

I have to tell myself that my fears are not reality. It may have happened in the past but it’s not yet here. Then my fears of today are useless because it does not help me or anyone else. It just causes me to feel like the need to flee.

I keep on scrambling for people or messages to tell me that we will be okay.. as a family, as a nation. I feel like a child wanting to be kept safe. My parents have always kept me safe but the reality is, I am not just their child anymore. I am a wife, a mother and also in my own ways – a leader. God must be teaching me resilience in times of fear (real or not) so I can also be brave for my own family and community.

I say this to other people but maybe I just need this for myself – We should not let fear of the future rob us the joy and hope of the present. There lies our power to continue living with fires in our hearts even when there is little to no light outside of us.

Oct 2021

Dear Papu,

I thought of UP and all our times there. Our Thursday dates, your sundo hatid, your rescuing me every time I needed you. I always wanted to be independent but you made it so easy for me. You made me my own boarding house room, you bring my laundry, you take me on dinners, you were always there when I needed you even when I was already working.

My last memory of us in UP was you picking me up beside Bahay ng Alumni. I bought you Rodic’s and you ate it in the car. It was already late and you were hungry.

I wonder Papu if anyone will ever love me like you did. We may not have always agreed on things and both of us had our own dark secrets we keep. But I keep in my heart all of the times you were there for me because you loved me. I wonder if anyone would so willingly pick me up anywhere (even Batangas port) like you. And this thought just fills my heart with so much sadness because there’s that void that was you in it.

You were my dependable dad. Anything I needed I could come to you and it would make you happy that I needed you instead of being resentful of me and my needs. No questions, no looking into your schedule of priorities —- you make it work because I need you. How will I survive now Papu knowing that I can no longer need you? You are never coming back.

Why did you have to leave so early, Papu? Likha misses you too. I can still remember our last morning together. Maybe God just wanted to answer your prayer for peace and rest. Even if that meant that I lost you.

I just feel so much loss every time I remember that you are gone. It’s like reopening a wound every time I realize that I will not be able to see or speak to you anymore. I wanted to listen to your birthday message for me last year but I knew that would break my heart all over again. Maybe next year, Papu.

Please visit my dreams, just because. I love you, Papu.

36 weeks

I can’t believe it! 36 weeks and I can still do house chores 😂 Preparing to move out from our apartment room (my home away from home for almost 4 years now) so we can settle in our initial nest in my parent’s home. We need their help in caring for Baby Likha while I still have to go to school 2 weeks after giving birth.

The doctors and my pregnancy app says I can give birth anytime between week 37 to 42. Whew! The suspense is crazy! Right now, I still feel strong although my back hurts after a whole day of chores (cleaning, arranging) or even a whole day of just sitting down in class or writing.

I am literally so big now. 17 kgs gained so far and my face is so puffy and big, my nice boobs are now huge and heavy, my tummy is bigger than a basketball (and it turns out that even with all the creams and oils I put in my tummy, I could not escape stretch marks), my legs and ankles are so chunky and my hands and feet have also increased in width (and length) I think. Nothing of my past clothes can fit me anymore. Exercise helps by loosening up my body (my body has become so rusty due to lack of stretching and exercise the past few months). My back hurts when I suddenly stand up from sitting or lying down. I pee ALOT of times in a day.

Pregnancy is such a unique experience. I remember my first trimester when all I couldn’t stop fussing over the food I eat and so I turned to expensive food delivery service just to be able to eat healthy and easily. I hated strong smells (air fresheners, food, restaurants, everything). I felt nausea all the time but didn’t really vomit.

The second trimester was much better just as they said. The nausea was gone and the strong sense of smell vanished. I was not picky with food anymore and I felt strong. The baby in the tummy was growing but not yet too big that it was too heavy to walk or move about. I challenged myself to still go to a field immersion for a month (2 hours away) by commute. It was tough (the heat and the commute!) and I’m so thankful that nothing bad happened to me. I felt it was just exercise. 💪😎 But husband and the family were worried so good thing all went well! The downside of feeling strong was gaining weight! From a plateau in the first trimester, my weight suddenly jumped by 10 lbs in one month and I have gained and gained every week since! 😑

And oh I could already feel my baby fluttering in my time by 4 months. 😊

The third trimester was surprising! All of a sudden my tummy was HUGE! I quickly outgrowed the clothes I wore from 2nd trimester. I was panicking about my weight but since tummy size is normal and ultrasound says baby size is also normal, I have surrendered to the fact that I’m just really packing on the pounds for a higher purpose 😂 maybe for breastfeeding haha

But really, my appetite has become stronger, and I’ve gotten used to prioritizing getting my nutritional needs no matter how busy I get because baby needs food! 😁 Though I promise to do better diet after I give birth. 🤚

Sleeping has become more challenging with a huge tummy. But I can still get good sleep so no worries. Now I’m feeling that baby is positioning itself to come out. It’s technically called “lightening” when the baby drops down. So it’s just a waiting game now when I will actually give birth. I’m not sure if I want it early or late but whenever it is, I want to be prepared. So hopefully I don’t get too off guard. I also pray that when it does happen, me and the husband can quickly travel to the hospital! 🤞🏨🚗

I am so excited for my next post to be life with a newborn. Pray for me! 🙏🤰

1 month to go! 🐥

We (especially me) are so excited to see our baby come into this world and shine her light on us. So far we’ve already prepared our hospital bags, our baby things for when we go home and our selves for her coming.

This mommy just needs to survive this final month by getting her self focused on what she needs to finish for school and getting her body prepped for the hard work of labor and delivery. Whew! Baby and I need to establish a regular exercise routine that will open up my body for labor. I’m actually really excited to give birth!

Today, I would just like to share a little prayer for my baby love:

Father,

Thank you for keeping us safe and healthy throughout our 8-month pregnancy journey. Thank you for showering us with love through the people you sent – Love/Daddy, our parents and family, our co-workers, my classmates and teachers, friends from different parts of our lives, and so much more. Thank you for always providing for us in all our material and non-material needs. Thank you for allowing me to continue my schooling with baby Love inside me, always listening to our lectures and discussions. Thank you for giving me strength and good health to continue pushing on even when it gets challenging. Thank you for the wondrous opportunities to still give service and love to the people around me even in my pregnant condition.

Father, You have given us so much that we are very thankful. We pray for your continuous guidance and help in our last month of pregnancy, labor and delivery (quick normal safe birth please!) and in taking care of our newborn. Please give us wisdom and strength as we go on with this journey of building a family.

Father, please also bless everyone around us. That you will also continue to bless them and keep them safe from any harm or illness. I pray that our family can bring them more joy and love.

Father, I pray for our baby Love. May she be born a healthy, normal and happy baby. I pray that she will always keep You in her heart so that she will never be afraid, lost or lonely. I pray that she will be a blessing to the people she meets and more.

Father, please help us to become great parents. We pray that through our love, care and sacrifice, our baby Likha will be able to create and share more love, peace and happiness in this world.

Amen. 🙏

2017 Year in Review

Of all the years of my life, I think 2017 had been the most challenging so far, but also most exciting year of my life. So many new experiences that I never thought would have been possible. Here’s a rundown of the highlights of my 2017:

WORK

ASEAN Workshop for PWDs in Bangkok, Thailand – At the start of the year, I was tasked to attend a workshop to develop the M&E Framework of the ASEAN Decade for PWDs. It was my first time to represent the Philippines in an ASEAN activity. I got the chance to meet Mr. Lauro, an active PWD advocate who is a PWD himself and his cheerful character and passion for the cause inspired me to hope for a better future for our PWDs. Truly grateful.

I was assigned Officer-in-Charge of  a Division, where we successfully organized two workshops on Risk Management and M&E, one training on M&E where we served as the Resource Persons, one M&E Conference, and one Evaluation Study. I think this was the most challenging part of my 2017, having to lead a team of people who I considered my peers and friends, but also having to deal with other people within our Bureau and outside our Bureau. Made me realize that leading and managing people is not the easiest task and it takes a lot of character, love, respect, patience and intelligence. I learned a lot and would not have done anything any different. I may have disappointed some people at times, but it is from there where I have learned to become better.

Wrote a paper and presentation for the National Evaluation Capacities Conference 2017 held in Istanbul, Turkey – where I celebrated my birthday for 2017. This was my first time to be outside of Asia and Istanbul was truly mesmerizing. The conference was attended by over 500 evaluators and governments from 113 countries.

Selected to be the student for a Certificate Course on M&E at the Asian Institute of Management where I graduated top 4 of my class. I learned a lot from the professors but also to my fellow classmates. I realized that I still had a lot to learn, and to learn I have to interact with others, be inquisitive, work with other people, share enthusiasm and also establish friendships + hard work! Grateful for the opportunity.

I got accepted to AIM Master in Development Management program with scholarship, and my office approved for me to do it on official time. I am so excited for this chapter!!!

PASSION

2017 was the year I *tried* to actively pursue my passion for the arts. With the extra push from my Love, I started an Instagram account of my art. I tried to practice by producing as much artwork as I can, and asking people about how I can help if they needed anything designed.

https://www.instagram.com/chescaseb.art

First ever commission for a friend ❤

For a friend’s passion project 🙂

Our wedding invitation ❤

For my friend’s proposal (Yays and Chie, whom I love dearly)

I realized that it’s so much easier for me to create art if it’s for other people, not just for me. I look forward to using my love for art to make more people happy in 2018. 🙂

I also attended three painting classes this year – Cheryl Ong, Enon de Belen and Joannie Candi. I thank the Lord for the provision. 🙂

FITNESS & HEALTH

Okay, I have failed at losing weight again! But I’ve managed to enroll in a gym and have had for the most part of the year some regular exercise with my Love.

Highlight for 2017 was the successful 21K run sub-3 hours!

TRAVELS

Calatagan with family

Mt Pinatubo with friends

Cambodia-Vietnam with Love

FAMILY & FRIENDS

I am not the best at maintaining friendships and relationships because… sometimes I prefer to be alone, I don’t know the right things to say, I suck at conversations, I’m shy, I’m introvert. But I have a few people to whom I can just be me, where they feel my love despite my lack of warmth.

This 2017, I tried to be there for family and friends – big moments, small moments, even awkward moments. I just hope that no matter how distant I may seem, they know that I will be there for them if they need me.

LOVE

Got married! This year was all about love, not just from friends and family but also from my soul mate and best friend. My love proposed and the rest is history! I made the best decision of my life. ❤ Truly the highlight of my 2017.

Credits to owners of the photos! Wedding planning went smoothly and it actually brought us closer. We were lucky that all of our wedding suppliers performed great and the guests felt our love. We could not ask for a better wedding. ❤

https://vimeo.com/248858412
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So many chances given to me to choose love and respect, exercise grit, perseverance, hard work, patience and leadership – traits I have been praying for. 2017 has taught me so much about dealing with challenges in life as if they were really sent to you for the purpose of building your character, being of service to God and the people around me in all that I do, in acknowledging my innate skills to be of help to others, and choosing when to speak and stay silent.

If I were to name my theme for 2017, it would have to be Love and Service. I sacrificed and cried a lot for others, and in return I got so much love from so much unexpected places and people. 

I am excited for 2018! Each year just gets more packed with surprises, dreams, friendship and love. 🎉