I feel so lazy and unmotivated today. And I feel bad about that. It’s not that it’s difficult. It’s not that it’s not difficult. It’s challenging. It needs time. It needs patience. It needs me to think about it.
So what’s my problem? I can’t will myself to start doing. To just do it. Every night I imagine myself doing it the next day. And in my mind, I’m great! I get to do a lot. But when that day comes, I don’t do it. I stare at the screen, do a hundred and one other things while that thing lingers at the back of my mind. I’ll do it after lunch. I’ll do it by one’o clock. I’ll do it tonight. Heck, I can start fresh tomorrow.
I don’t understand myself. I think about it all the time. But I can’t will myself to do it. I avoid it? Why? Why won’t I just do it. My boyfriend said I lack motivation.
Work… I have to do it because it’s my job. ENGK! Wrong reason. I have to do it because it’s important. It’s important to document what has transpired in five years. It’s important for the organization to sit down and look at how it performed and how it has learned and transformed. But it’s a gargantuan task, that I am afraid to take. I have to do it, yes. But I fear owning it. I fear not getting the support from people I need to make this happen. I fear failing. I fear giving it my all and it won’t still be enough.
School… I have to do it because I won’t graduate if I don’t. ENGK. Wrong reason. I did it because I wanted to learn how to do it. And the only way I can learn is if I try do it myself no matter how miserably frustrating it is to feel dumb. And again, I fear failing. Maybe I’m not smart enough to do it. Maybe I was not meant to graduate. Maybe I should focus on my strengths rather than my weaknesses.
I feel stuck, Lord. Times like this, I feel like quitting because that is the safest thing to do. I can’t really quit my job but I can quit school. But I don’t want to be a quitter unless it’s Your will for me, Lord. In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. -Proverbs 16:9
Lord, please help me remember that You give us trials for a reason. And it is up to us to become better people from these trials. Please help me trust in Your plans, which may or may not include failure. Help me, Lord, to have courage to succeed and also courage to fail. Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. -James 1:2-4
Lord, I pray for peace, focus, discipline, grit and wisdom. Help me to accomplish what I need to do everyday and make the right decisions along the way. Please take away my laziness, my fears and all bad, unhelpful distractions. Please help me find motivation for all the things I have to do each day.
I lift up to You my 2016 goals, Lord! :) What is impossible with man is possible with God. -Luke 18:27
PS. Thank you for always listening to me, Lord. And helping me keep still.