Today I pray for the angel that I disappointed six years ago. I’m sorry. I could have fought for you but I didn’t because I was too afraid. 

I hope you have forgiven me. 

I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz,
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as one loves certain obscure things,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries
the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself,
and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose
from the earth lives dimly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you directly without problems or pride:
I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love,
except in this form in which I am not nor are you,
so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,
so close that your eyes close with my dreams.
Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets

When the intensity of love and passion is lost in mundane realities, you wish you could encapsulate how Neruda thought and felt as he was moved to write these for his wife, Matilde Urrutia. I wonder if she was the perfect lover. I wonder if he felt the same even if she wasn’t.

Uncommon Arrangements by Katie Roiphe

  I’ve always been interested in how sucessful people are in their marriages. This book by Katie Roiphe takes a look inside the marriages of seven well-known couples during their time. Mostly writers and creatives, these couples have uncommon arrangements that define their marriages. Successful or not, this book captures how couples can redefine how they live by changing meanings, set-ups and beliefs that would suit the kind of life they were looking for. 

Quotes from the book:

“Marriage is time.” -joan didion

To leave a marriage is to lose time: it is like voluntarily shaving years off one’s own life. And then, of course, there is the other maverick, inexplicable substance holding seemingly happy people together: love.

The supreme importance of habit, the inertia of accumulated life, the fidelity toward one’s former self, cannot be underestimated. 

What is the act of putting feelings into words? In part it serves to clear the mind, as HG Wells wrote of his detailed autobiography: “I want to get these discontents clear because I have a feeling that as they become clear thet will either cease from troubling me or become manageable and controllable.” […] in writing one master’s the experience, one tames and controls it. 

Over and over the couples in the pages of this book believed that if they labeled their relationship […], they could control and organize their intimate lives. 

It’s also quite interesting how people then kept letters and memoirs that allow for memories and experiences to be preserved. 

In a relationship with social media

“Instagram it or it didn’t happen.”

That about summarizes how most people see life nowadays, including me. I feel the need to Instagram/FB the happiest times, the saddest,  the funny moments, links I find interesting, my hobbies, my dreams, my insecurities, food… and the list goes on. Generally, whatever pops into my mind. 

With already so many people on FB, I post more of the random stuff on Instagram. And I post more personal vague stuff on Twitter. Because I don’t feel like sharing to so many people on FB.

So my typical relationship with social media goes:

Wake up – turn off alarm – go on Facebook just to wake myself up

Get up – sometimes prepare/eat breakfast – while eating, IG and FB

Go to the bathroom – while pooping, FB

Arrive at work – open emails – unconsciously open FB on desktop, scroll

Lunch break – while eating, FB

Get home – FB

Before going to sleep – same, FB, IG

In between scrolling, I post random stuff. For what purpose? I don’t know. Because it’s there. 

Sharing? BECAUSE SO MANY PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME. Wow. Because what I think/say/do affects their life. (I don’t think so.)

What about the endless scrolling? 

Information – well that’s legit 25%

Communication – yep, legit too. But wait, most of the time I don’t really talk to anybody on FB. Just my boyfriend and my mom. Such a great social life. 40%

Chismis – because my friends’ life  are so darn interesting, I want to be updated 24/7. Geez. 20%

Entertainment – yep. I watch cute babies and puppies. 15%
And I admit. My mind is processing ideas for social media. I describe moments in my life (in my head) as I would post it in social media. My social media accounts have become an extension of me. I am not just me, I am my FB, IG and Twitter accounts. 

And I can’t believe that it’s affecting my relationship. I want to post about my love life, sometimes. Because it’s part of the happiest moments I enjoy. I don’t really want to brag about it. I don’t want to let everyone know about it. But it’s a part of me that I want to appear on the extensions of me (my accounts). 

And I feel sad when I can’t. And I feel sad when he doesn’t. (It’s a complicated long story.) And I remember how I’ve never had the kind of cheesy love story on social media. And I remember how he used to have so much of that except it wasn’t me. And I remember why we can’t. And I remember how it all started like a dirty little secret, and how life keeps reminding us of that. 
But now that I am no longer a dirty little secret, just a discreet member of society avoiding scandalous chismis, I feel like needing to cut off the “extensions of me”. Why? Because I don’t need to be validated by social media and people on social media. Because I am not Voldemort. I don’t need horcruxes that will be extensions of my life. Because I don’t need to be pitted against the past. Because I’m tired of having to scroll everyday. Because I’m tired of thinking what to share even if no soul will freaking care, except to be updated. Because I have to stop caring about what other people are doing with their lives. Because I have to start rebuilding my worth without affirmation from “friends”. Because I’m tired of comparing how it is, how it was, how it “should” be based on this society’s social media standards. 

So today, I decided to cut off these extensions of me. And be whole. Maybe I’ll be content. Maybe nothing will change. I don’t know. But maybe, just maybe, something good might come out of being isolated from the world of social media. 

“Instagram it or didn’t happen.”

Then nothing happened. Who the f cares. 
Update: I had a really bad, horrible dream that made me cry. :'( 

But it made me realize this one good thing about social media, it keeps me connected with my family even if we are not together everyday. Even if we don’t really talk to each other everyday, we get updated with what’s happening to the other. So I’m reconsidering. 

Maybe social media should not be just about me, my life or my love life. It should be about people I care about. 

Will you be my Bridesmaid / Groomsman?

My first ever Silhouette Cameo project and first try at creating bridesmaid / groomsman requests! So happy with the results! 

Now I know why custom wedding invites are so expensive! For an inexperienced me, it was a delightful pain designing, measuring and assembling. Thanks Ma and Kuya for helping me!😘

I hope they like it! This was a request from my office friend who is getting married real soon. 😍

PS. I think I deserve a tap on the back. 😎 I’m thinking if I can actually do this as a hobby and for extra income. Hmmm. (Coz it’s fun but tiring too!)

Oh I designed wedding invitations for my brother’s wedding last May 2015 too! From scratch. Labor of Love ❤️