Maybe I’m not meant for nice things
Maybe I long for the dysfunctional
Maybe I don’t deserve shit
Maybe I like self-sabotaging
Maybe I’m too dysfunctional to actually make things work
Maybe I should just shut the fuck up.:)

Cleanse

So many things happening in my life again and I’m becoming sickly. Huhu I have a bad cough, colds and my feet are swollen. My pimples are at bay and I hope they don’t worsen anymore. I’m no longer always sleepy like the past few days though. I don’t know if these are all because I stopped drinking those darn pimple medicines and now my body’s gone haywire. Huhu

So to gain some control, I am going on a mild body cleanse/detox for 7 days. I am going to eat only fruits and vegetables (raw or boiled). No meat. (Still thinking about rice huhu). Hopefully my body will be able to find balance and heal.

Day 1 – still good – calamansi and mango for breakfast, banana for lunch, two kamote for meryenda, Little India’s tamarind rice and spinach for dinner, coffee

Day 2 – calamansi  upon waking up, one hour after – coffee, office – banana, lunch – left-over tamarind rice and spinach + okra + tomatoes + squash, dinner – brown rice, eggplant, tomatoes and black beans + mango

Day 3 – calamansi and mango, lunch – leftover brown rice, eggplant, tomatoes and black beans, dinner – white rice and veggies with chicken (because of a friend), celery sticks, 2 bananas

Day 4 – calamansi, 2 kamote, pansit, cucumber tomato salad, oatmeal cookies, mango, phohao hot and sour noodle soup

Day 5 – calamansi, CHICKEN FROM KFC (fail) and brown rice, ggppant tomato and brown rice for dinner

Day 6

Day 7

*updating this post everyday as a food journal

#NotoSelfSabotage

KThanksBye.

Update: I read that the key to losing weight is not so much about exercise but regulating the way we eat. Exercise is good for the mind and body, but not so much as to losing weight.

Update: 19 May 2016 – I feel lighter already!:) Still waiting for the hunger and craving pangs to go away, but it’s becoming easier to ignore them. Yesterday, I passed on pizza. #discipline

Update: 20 May 2016 – My abdomen is no longer a huge huge bulge.:)

Update: 21 May 2016 – feeling the cravings for sweets 😳

Update: 29 May 2016 – totally forgot to log Day 6 and 7 because I went easy on myself and ate a bit of meat throughout the day. This week I started eating unhealthy again (eating out fast food etc) and I really feel the difference. My stomach is not too happy and hurts in the morning. I also feel always craving/hungry for more food (hormones?).

Elections

Dear Lord, 
I feel sad today. My fear of the unknown haunts me. Just a few more days and my countrymen will elect a person who professes that he will be a dictator. He says he loves his country and he will stop crime by any means possible, including killing and violating human rights. He is also not the kindest person – calling people names, cursing, lying, being arrogant, a womanizer, blatantly disrespects women, makes fun of rape, and the list goes on. 

I believe a lot of us fought (are fighting) a good fight against the looming darkness of another era of dictatorship. But we live in a democracy and we have to accept the fact that a majority of my countrymen feel that this country needs change, and that change should be as drastic as a dictatorship. 

I am bewildered that even my devout Catholic/Christian friends are also supporting him when he violates the number one commandment: Thou shall not kill. I am surprised as to how much my countrymen hates the government and its leaders, when in fact I joined the government because I felt that it was changing for the better. And I believe it did. Though I know it is far from perfect, and I know that it has fell short of hearing and responding to its people, I believe that this government’s vision of inclusive development and prosperity and security is one that I too share. I have seen firsthand the inefficiencies of this government. The bureaucracy is too big to wield and changing/transforming/reforming institutions take time. I believe that this government is not perfect, but its values for nation building are also admirable. It focused on integrity and accountability of leaders and institutions. But all of this took so much time. And all of the mishaps have overshadowed all the gains. 

Anyway, Lord. It seems that these efforts are not felt by most of my countrymen and that is why they are clamoring for change. How did we get here Lord? Is it our fault that we wasted so many years (after Marcos) by electing bad leaders? Is it our fault for never choosing continuity? Is it our fault for not fighting for what is right for our poor and marginalized brothers and sisters? Is it our fault for not fighting hard enough? Are we the reason why this nation is finally starting to stand up yet it was too late that it’s people are finally fed up? 

Lord, I feel tired. And I want to quit, sometimes. You have given us free will and yet it seems that we are wasting it. There’s so much noise and so much hatred. I am often confused. Most times, all I can feel are my fears. 

Lord, I know Your will be done. But let me just take this time to plead with you. Lord, I am afraid. I am afraid to live in fear and uncertainty. I am afraid that my being a woman will suddenly cause for me to fear. Lord, I pray that whatever happens this election, you will guide our leaders and this nation to the right path. Lord, I pray that You help us become better as a people – to take care and carry the interests of our poor, to stop violence and self-interests, to have values that honor life, mutual respect and human rights.

Lord, whatever happens, I will trust in Your love. Your will be done. But please keep us all safe and clothed by your love. Please help my country help itself. 

I pray for peace. 

Dear Lord,

I feel so lazy and unmotivated today. And I feel bad about that. It’s not that it’s difficult. It’s not that it’s not difficult. It’s challenging. It needs time. It needs patience. It needs me to think about it.

So what’s my problem? I can’t will myself to start doing. To just do it. Every night I imagine myself doing it the next day. And in my mind, I’m great! I get to do a lot. But when that day comes, I don’t do it. I stare at the screen, do a hundred and one other things while that thing lingers at the back of my mind. I’ll do it after lunch. I’ll do it by one’o clock. I’ll do it tonight. Heck, I can start fresh tomorrow.

I don’t understand myself. I think about it all the time. But I can’t will myself to do it. I avoid it? Why? Why won’t I just do it. My boyfriend said I lack motivation.

Work… I have to do it because it’s my job. ENGK! Wrong reason. I have to do it because it’s important. It’s important to document what has transpired in five years. It’s important for the organization to sit down and look at how it performed and how it has learned and transformed. But it’s a gargantuan task, that I am afraid to take. I have to do it, yes. But I fear owning it. I fear not getting the support from people I need to make this happen. I fear failing. I fear giving it my all and it won’t still be enough.

School… I have to do it because I won’t graduate if I don’t. ENGK. Wrong reason. I did it because I wanted to learn how to do it. And the only way I can learn is if I try do it myself no matter how miserably frustrating it is to feel dumb. And again, I fear failing. Maybe I’m not smart enough to do it. Maybe I was not meant to graduate. Maybe I should focus on my strengths rather than my weaknesses.

I feel stuck, Lord. Times like this, I feel like quitting because that is the safest thing to do. I can’t really quit my job but I can quit school. But I don’t want to be a quitter unless it’s Your will for me, Lord. In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. -Proverbs 16:9

Lord, please help me remember that You give us trials for a reason. And it is up to us to become better people from these trials. Please help me trust in Your plans, which may or may not include failure. Help me, Lord, to have courage to succeed and also courage to fail. Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. -James 1:2-4

Lord, I pray for peace, focus, discipline, grit and wisdom. Help me to accomplish what I need to do everyday and make the right decisions along the way. Please take away my laziness, my fears and all bad, unhelpful distractions. Please help me find motivation for all the things I have to do each day.

I lift up to You my 2016 goals, Lord! :) What is impossible with man is possible with God. -Luke 18:27

PS. Thank you for always listening to me, Lord. And helping me keep still.:)