I get jealous of couples out on dates – having coffee, watching a movie, going out of town, etc etc. But then again, I’d be too kuripot to do those every weekend anyway. The thought is nice though.
There are days that I just get so revved up to do so much stuff like work and overtime like crazy, jog at night, study before I sleep, and just wake up early everyday.
But there are slumpy days. Like this weekend when I have all the free time in the afternoon and I choose to lie down and watch movie after movie, write on this blog and just stare at the screen. Some people call this relaxing but why can’t I just relax? I feel anxious.
There’s also this feeling that I have so much time alone that I keep on thinking about life and myself and just get depressed sometimes. It’s a vicious cycle – anxiety, wanting to be alone, overthinking, but too lethargic or depressed to do anything. Last two weeks was almost zero exercise (all work work work), drinking and shopping. Bad symptoms.
Am I too hard on myself? Yes, because I feel anxious when I do try to relax. No, because why am I even relaxing in the first place? I have so much more important things to do than lay around.
But I don’t feel up to doing anything. So lazy.
Hay, Lord, I pray for peace of mind. And the will to push on. And the happiness to break this slump.
A reminder for when I am weak.
BY WILLIAM ERNEST HENLEY
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
“Kasi ‘yung ganyang kalaking pagmamahal, ganyang overwhelming love, imposibleng walang pupuntahan eh. May mababalik sayong pagmamahal. Not necessarily sa taong pinagbigyan mo, pero sigurado ako, mababalik ‘yan sa’yo.”
Ako lang yata hindi natuwa sa “That Thing Called Tadhana”. Dahil siguro wala akong #Hugot na mahugot sa puso kong masaya.
Maliban nalang siguro sa linyang iyan sa taas. Sinasabi niyang ayos lang magmahal ng sobra kasi siguradong babalik sayo ‘yun. Hindi man ngayon, hindi man sa taong pinagbigyan mo, pero dadating siya ng hindi mo inaasahan. Kasi nga naman kung anong ibibigay natin sa mundo, ‘yun din malamang ang babalik sa atin. Sabi nga sa science, nothing is created nor destroyed. Nagbabago lamang ng anyo.
Kaya hindi na rin ako nagsisisi sa pagmamahal na ibinigay ko sa mundo. Kahit nasaktan ako noon. Kahit naramdaman kong hindi ako tinuring gaya ng gusto ko. Hindi ako nagsisisi kasi ngayon pa lang, ramdam ko na yung sinasabing pagbabalik sakin ng pagmamahal na binigay ko sa mundo. Mahal ako ng mga magulang at kapatid ko. Mahal ako ng mga kaibigan at kaopisina kong naging kaibigan ko na rin. Kahit yung aso ko, mahal na mahal ako. May isang tao ring nagmamahal sa akin gaya ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya.
Kaya kung may #Hugot ako sa pelikulang ‘yon. Ito na siguro yun. :)
Today was a series of unfortunate events and unexpected miracles.
I was part of a team organizing a mission at the office. One of the most important days in the mission is the first day since it is where high officials take part in the activity. It is the meeting to set the tone for all succeeding meetings. It was scheduled at 9:00AM and the team was supposed to be there by 8:00 for the preparations.
I woke up at 5:30AM. I’d be coming from my home down south and I would need to leave early. Unfortunate event number 1 happened when my car key remote (for keyless entry) wouldn’t work. The car alarm just wouldn’t stop. Long story short, I was not able to leave the house at 5:30AM. At 6:20AM, I decided to just leave using the defective remote all open and inside out.
Unfortunate event number 2 was the traffic. It was traffic from the beginning until the end. I wanted to bang my head on the stirring wheel. I was doomed. It was already 8AM and I was still very far. I managed to arrive at the apartment at 8:30AM to take a bath and dress up. Unexpected miracle number 1 was me being able to leave the apartment at 8:40AM.
Unexpected miracle number 2 was that there was no traffic and stop lights. The travel to the office was light and easy. I managed to be at the office at 9:10AM.
Unexpected miracle number 3 is the flag ceremony that delayed the 9AM meeting. It gave me time to set-up the presentation, make copies of the presentation and some last minute preparations.
Unexpected miracle number 4 is that the kick-off meeting went without a hitch. The Secretary used my words in her message (which was a bit cool and scary at the same time) and most of the important people who needed to be there were there.
Unfortunate event number 3 was that the office who was presenting in the afternoon wasn’t around in the morning to hear what our boss had to say. Unfortunate event number 4 was that another boss immediately started the afternoon meeting and did not allow people to have an hour lunch break. I ate quickly on my desk while photocopying presentations. The others were not able to eat because they had to present already.
Unexpected miracle number 4 is that even if the meeting came two hours early, the office came prepared and in somewhat full force. The discussion was lively.
Unfortunate event number 4 is when our cash advance couldn’t be approved because of some strict rules about cash advances. I mean, what are we supposed to do? Stop the activity because we have no money? Unexpected miracle number 5 is that it still got approved and hopefully the check will be available tomorrow.
Unexpected miracle number 6 is having team mates who were willing to sacrifice to get the job done. One even paid for the meals and snacks because we didn’t have the money. I’m too grateful that he saved me a wrinkle on my forehead. Unexpected miracle number 7 is that somehow everything went well in the day and I am finally home. Too excited to sleep.
I think the major lesson I learned today is that we will not be able to comprehend miracles if we have not yet experienced hardship. Today was full of challenges but each one was an opportunity to witness a miracle. Today’s miracles were not grand. They were bits of good things that happened just at the right time and in the right place and at the right moment.
I am grateful for today’s grateful heart. Thank you God for happiness in every cup.
I was on the verge of a relapse today. Stressful day at work, had drinks with the boys, went home, drank beer and had a misunderstanding. I really really wanted to smoke. Maybe just one. Maybe just a hit, or two, or half a cigarette. Maybe just one would be okay and I’d be back to regular no smoking tomorrow. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
So I told a friend that I really wanted to smoke. Really really wanted to. I wanted to just do it and give in and feel better for a little while. And he told me not to. And he even called to distract me (intentionally or not, I am grateful).
So I almost didn’t survive Day 8. But I did. Thank you Lord.
I’ve managed to survive a week without a single cigarette. Surprisingly, it’s easier than I thought it would be. The mind is really strong maybe. :)
I still have cravings around the day brought about the previous routine. But I won’t really smoke ever because I’m too afraid of relapse. 😝