I let myself float above the sea facing the sun. It was hard to let go at first. To allow my ears to be submerged under water. To let the water take me. It was disorienting to close my eyes lying face up to the sun not knowing where the water’s current will take me. It made me feel uneasy at first but then I felt calm when I finally let go. I felt light and weightless.
The sudden calm made me feel thankful for all the opportunities that are continuously coming my way. I am a worrier. I worry about the future because I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t have long term plans because there is too much uncertainty. I take risks as they come my way. I run when I feel unhappy. I don’t like getting hurt.
Just recently, I prayed really hard for something but it was not given to me. I knew I had to surrender and I promised God that I wouldn’t feel bad if it was not for me. But it hurt and I wondered why it wasn’t for me when I really really wanted it. It took me three weeks to return to God and to tell him that it was okay. That I was okay. I said sorry and that I was ready to wait for Him to show me His plan.
Like letting myself float on water, it’s not the easiest to surrender to His plan. It is not the easiest to trust fully. How do I know if I am on the right track? How will I know if God’s plan is what would make me happy?
I came across this article about God’s planning for His children. A child asked, “Mom, what if I don’t like the person God wants me to marry?” Like a child, I am also worried, what if I don’t like the life (love, career, etc) God wants me to have? And the answer came through Psalm 84:11. “The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.”
As I was enjoying the calming lightness of floating above water, I realized that only good things have happened since that one rejection. When I used to complain about not being able to get out of the office (for official travel), opportunities came one after the other. I was able to try a lot of new things this year at work and outside of work. I’m going to see my Love soon. I passed my final coursework. It looks like I’m about to have to finish my Masters. It also looks like I’m finally getting a regular position at work.
You see, I don’t really know what I want, and if what I want right now is the best for me. I feel like there’s always something better. I’m afraid of being left behind.
But I am thankful for my God for His patience and His gentle reminders that I must not worry. That I must not fear. That I must learn to trust in His great plan. Only then can I experience the lightness of being. The solitude in times of hardships. The joy amidst the worldly pain.
I will keep on praying that however confused I am in this life, He will guide me into the right path that will bring me real happiness. To be so light and free that I may share love and happiness to those who need it.