To the girl who loved you first
I know you must have felt an inconceivable pain when he left you because of me. Your trust was shattered and no amount of sorries can heal the pain. I don’t really know you, except for the stories he and his friends tell me. You seem like a great girl which makes it more of a pain for me to know that I caused you pain that I wouldn’t wish for anyone.
Up to now, I am still trying to deny my faults. I still think that you broke up not because of me. It’s because you already had problems all along. You hurt him. We’re really just meant for each other. Everything happens for a reason… And all those other excuses I keep telling myself.
But recently, painfully, I had to come to terms with the truth. It was my fault too. We tried but we couldn’t put an end to what we had. We were selfish. I was selfish. I wanted him too. I wanted the way he loved you. I loved the way he loved me.
You don’t know me, but you must know something about why I let it happen. You must know how he looks at people he loves. You must know how big and forgiving his heart is. I loved him in a way that I allowed things to happen because I wanted him to stay for a bit longer in my life. I chose to love him and be there for him even if I knew the whole truth about you.
I didn’t want to blame myself for everything that happened because I didn’t want to hate myself. Just as I hope you forgive me someday, I hope to forgive myself as well for what I did to you. I know you don’t care. But I want you to know that it still hurts me to know that I have hurt you.
I hope you know that I am not an evil wicked person and that I am sorry. Just as you will try to forgive him, I hope you will have the heart to forgive me as well.
In time, I hope I can forgive myself too.
To the boy I loved and hurt
I am sorry that I put all the blame on you. It’s so much easier to feel strong and tell everyone that I did not give a f&ck. Because while they are trying to understand what happened, they always see me as the one who destroyed everything you had. And so I try so bad to show them I did not care and that I was strong enough to leave should you not have chosen me.
It pains me then to have people know that I was a fling. It pains me now that I am the cause of destroying something beautiful just because I loved you. But what I understand now is that I cannot avoid the pain. I can only come to terms with it. When I chose to love you, I should have been ready to feel pain from all the people who will judge me, just as I judge myself too harshly.
I hope you can forgive me too, as I try to forgive myself as well. I love you and I hope this does not come between the two of us.