I’ve been in love with a guy for about 3 months now. Yes, he was taken. Yes, it started when I was still in a relationship. Yes, I easily broke it off with my boyfriend, partly because of my feelings for him.
Several times I tried to do the right thing – establish that we couldn’t be together, that we shouldn’t see or talk to each other in private or even have feelings of any kind beyond friendship. But something always had to happen that tempted me to ask how he was, where he was or what he was doing. He has done all sorts of things that caused so much hurt but I accepted them. I accepted with an open and forgiving heart. But somehow something always pushed me to let him in – in my house, in my room, in my heart. Basically, I let him in more than I thought I could handle.
In all honesty, I thought that what we had something different, something great, something that could withstand anything. I thought that we were on the same page. That I could take all the hurt because in the end, I thought I knew we would end up together. That it was worth it.
But that thought, became more blurred in time. He couldn’t break up with his fiancee. Well, because of course he loves her, they were/are engaged after all. I kept telling myself to trust what I felt, to trust what he felt about me but that has become more and more confusing as time passed. Everyday I felt like I was losing more and more of myself as I gave more and more of my love to him. A love that he gave back, but never whole. He said he was fighting for our love but I just couldn’t see how this would end with me being happy. He said we never know what may happen in the future. But the way things are going, I can’t help but see my future as bleak.
He said he was lucky to have two women in his life who could love as much as we loved him despite all the hurt this has caused. I admire her, jealous even. Why? Because for as long as she could take the shit we are all going through, he will never leave her. Unlike me, I was waiting for something that I am not sure will ever come. Like waiting for snow in a tropical country. It may come but you doubt if it will ever do in your lifetime.
And yes I was jealous of everyone rooting for their love. Everyone loved to hear and tell their love story. I know because I was one of them. My love, on the other hand, had to be hidden. And the few people who knew, understood, but I know secretly they disapproved. Most people’s advise to me were to stay away. That’s how it was with my love. It was forbidden. It was wrong. It was about how I would get hurt in the end. It was about how I was ruining other people’s relationships. The hardest to accept is to be called a “fling”, a passing fancy, a mistake. I was a test in their wonderful relationship and they passed.
How could I explain that it was not what they thought? Our love was different. We were soulmates. But like anything, what people knew was what they could see. Results. The result of my love? Nothing really. I always went home with a sad confused heart. A happy heart was always short-lived.
So when is it not worth it anymore? Maybe it’s the time that I start feeling like a fool for loving someone who will not choose me. Maybe it’s the time I feel like I am never enough and there is nothing left I could give. Maybe it was the first, second or third time he slept at your house and slept at his gf’s house the next day. Maybe it’s the time before I feel like he is already going to dump me, so I can spare my ego and my heart from that hurt. I don’t even know what hurts more, letting go or holding on.
Truth is, I don’t know when it’s not worth it anymore. I loved someone who I broke all the rules with. Threw everything I believed in and held on. I wanted to hold on until there’s nothing left to hold on to.
Maybe that’s it. It’s not worth it anymore when there’s nothing left to hold on to. Maybe there’s nothing there anymore.
PS. He dumped me today and I didn’t even shed a single tear. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a week or a month’s time. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just because I’ve accepted that this love is not worth it anymore.