Of Love and Hate

Found this in drafts from Sept 2013:

I am 23 and been in two long steady relationships. The first one started in HS and ended in mid-college when I started my relationship with the second one.

First was really about young love – dates, first kisses, making out, love letters, crafty gifts and long sweet text messages.

Second was about companionship and somewhat like a marriage – there’s still dates, hugs and kisses but not really much sweetness and longing. It was more of intellectual conversations, having someone to share bills with, not spending time alone, studying together, taking care of a dog, etc etc. It was more of a living together set-up.

I loved both of them with all my heart and I treasure all the lessons and the time they spent with me. I learned a lot from each about life and love.

Hate. I never really hated First. Can’t really remember a single thing that made me throw curses at him. He wasn’t perfect but I was always sure that he would not deliberately do anything to hurt me.

Second… Second made me feel so mad and hateful. He was a sweet guy but somewhat worldly and street smart. Basically, he lies and never comes clean. He keeps stuff from me when h thinks I’ll get mad at him for it. And I hate him for this.

And it hurts me because when he lies, it’s deliberate. And I’ve always thought that we’ve connected in this cerebral way that he wouldn’t do stupid shit to me, or if he does at least genuinely ask for forgiveness.

But I have so gotten used to this idea of our set-up and I have this fear of being alone that I can’t just get up and leave. It hurts really bad. Hurts. And this is why I hate him so much.

I wish sometimes that I never met him. Then I would’ve become someone else. Someone loved, wanted, respected.

The coming days will be so full of hurt. I wish I could stand it.

Glad I’ve finally decided to end that phase of my life. 🙂


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