One thing I have to keep telling myself
Is that the cycle has been broken
And I can be happy
Finally trust
And that even though
There are things beyond my control
I can hope that everything
Will fall into place
At the right moment
In the right place
So we can start forever
As planned by fate.

Thankful

I know now why I love you so much. You make me appreciate who I am now but you make me want to be a better person. You make me want to be the best version of myself not just for me and you but for everyone I love.

And I love the way you see me, like I am worthy of love, respect and trust. You make me hopeful that unconditional love exists. And I hope you know how lovely I see you too.

You make me feel thankful for all the little and big things. And you make me believe that there are things bigger than us. Things we cannot control but we can trust enough and have faith that everything happens for a reason.

You made me believe in soul mates. The kind you want to run away from sometimes because you are afraid to get too close and lose them. The kind you want to keep for all your life. The kind that brings out the best in you.

I am still afraid. But for now, I would rather choose to trust and be thankful.

Lessons from Lost Love

Yes it still hurts. But I am happy to have learned a lot from all of you who broke my heart. And I am a better person for it.

1. You should always put yourself first.
The thing is, when I start loving someone I tend to accept all that they are – imperfections, flaws and all. I don’t really think that much of myself. I love selflessly and get hurt because (1) they don’t feel the same; (2) they’re incapable of that kind of love.

Next time, it’s me first. I will be more conscious and if it’s not worth it, I will leave it at that.

2. Choose wisely.
Next time, I will decide who to love, not just fall in love with the next person who likes me. There’s plenty of fish in the sea and settling for a love that is hurtful is stupid. I will know what I want and will not settle for scraps from assholes no matter how sugarcoated their words or gifts are.

You only live once! And I should live it well for myself and not waste it on a few douchebags.

3. Your past does not define your future.
I’ve made plenty of mistakes in the past and sometimes it hurts that you’d make mistakes out of love. And sometimes you doubt who you are for what you have done. But it’s a great reminder that my past is just that, the past. And it’s never too late to change.

4. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
There are mornings or nights that the pain is paralyzing. But I just try to remember that this too shall pass and if it doesn’t kill me, I will be a better person for it. And I look forward to becoming a better person.

5. It’s not the end of the world.
… If you don’t end up with the guy who made you cry or didn’t choose you. God has way better things planned for you. And when you come to think of it, why am I even sad about a person who wasted my feelings and time. It’s good that they’re gone because now I can move on, open doors and meet new people. God has special plans! :)

And sometimes just being alone with a few friends is the best medicine. There’s no use for pity parties and drinking away my sorrows. I am better than that now.

Used

There’s still traces of you on my skin
Your bitter taste lingers on my mouth
A pack of cigs, even alcohol can’t erase
All you did to me until now

I gave us a chance and you broke me
Used me up ’til I couldn’t know me
Thank you for leaving
Just shut up and listen
All I am now is used and broken

Your words still hover in my thoughts
I can’t believe how I’m still surprised
What you kept saying meant nothing
All colorful words were just lies

I thought you were bravely fighting
All that time you spent defending
But all you are is a selfish coward
Kept taking and faking
Used me and left me with nothing

There’s still traces of you on my skin
Your bitter taste lingers on my mouth
I gave us a chance and you broke me
While I pick up the pieces
Everyone’s giving you well wishes
You got all that you wanted
While I’m here with nothing
Just shut up because you left me
Used and broken.

When It’s Not Worth It Anymore

I’ve been in love with a guy for about 3 months now. Yes, he was taken. Yes, it started when I was still in a relationship. Yes, I easily broke it off with my boyfriend, partly because of my feelings for him.

Several times I tried to do the right thing – establish that we couldn’t be together, that we shouldn’t see or talk to each other in private or even have feelings of any kind beyond friendship. But something always had to happen that tempted me to ask how he was, where he was or what he was doing. He has done all sorts of things that caused so much hurt but I accepted them. I accepted with an open and forgiving heart. But somehow something always pushed me to let him in – in my house, in my room, in my heart. Basically, I let him in more than I thought I could handle.

In all honesty, I thought that what we had something different, something great, something that could withstand anything. I thought that we were on the same page. That I could take all the hurt because in the end, I thought I knew we would end up together. That it was worth it.

But that thought, became more blurred in time. He couldn’t break up with his fiancee. Well, because of course he loves her, they were/are engaged after all. I kept telling myself to trust what I felt, to trust what he felt about me but that has become more and more confusing as time passed. Everyday I felt like I was losing more and more of myself as I gave more and more of my love to him. A love that he gave back, but never whole. He said he was fighting for our love but I just couldn’t see how this would end with me being happy. He said we never know what may happen in the future. But the way things are going, I can’t help but see my future as bleak.

He said he was lucky to have two women in his life who could love as much as we loved him despite all the hurt this has caused. I admire her, jealous even. Why? Because for as long as she could take the shit we are all going through, he will never leave her. Unlike me, I was waiting for something that I am not sure will ever come. Like waiting for snow in a tropical country. It may come but you doubt if it will ever do in your lifetime.

And yes I was jealous of everyone rooting for their love. Everyone loved to hear and tell their love story. I know because I was one of them. My love, on the other hand, had to be hidden. And the few people who knew, understood, but I know secretly they disapproved. Most people’s advise to me were to stay away. That’s how it was with my love. It was forbidden. It was wrong. It was about how I would get hurt in the end. It was about how I was ruining other people’s relationships. The hardest to accept is to be called a “fling”, a passing fancy, a mistake. I was a test in their wonderful relationship and they passed.

How could I explain that it was not what they thought? Our love was different. We were soulmates. But like anything, what people knew was what they could see. Results. The result of my love? Nothing really. I always went home with a sad confused heart. A happy heart was always short-lived.

So when is it not worth it anymore? Maybe it’s the time that I start feeling like a fool for loving someone who will not choose me. Maybe it’s the time I feel like I am never enough and there is nothing left I could give. Maybe it was the first, second or third time he slept at your house and slept at his gf’s house the next day. Maybe it’s the time before I feel like he is already going to dump me, so I can spare my ego and my heart from that hurt. I don’t even know what hurts more, letting go or holding on.

Truth is, I don’t know when it’s not worth it anymore. I loved someone who I broke all the rules with. Threw everything I believed in and held on. I wanted to hold on until there’s nothing left to hold on to.

Maybe that’s it. It’s not worth it anymore when there’s nothing left to hold on to. Maybe there’s nothing there anymore.

 

PS. He dumped me today and I didn’t even shed a single tear. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a week or a month’s time. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just because I’ve accepted that this love is not worth it anymore.

The Bad Part

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Image

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I can’t wait to witness a love like this. :)

How is it to be numb?
The absence of feeling
Just like darkness
In the absence of light
Like the bitter cold
In the absence of heat
How is it to be numb
And feel nothing
Neither happiness nor pain
How is it that we’d rather feel?
When happiness is not
The absence of pain.

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